The Music of the Night

Interesting, I feel, enlightened, through the abstract night, have I emerged protected? The strangeness of the numbness permeates the very air I breath, exhausting my lungs. My senses have been, banished. I have dreamed of this moment since I was a child, now all I feel instead is the clenching of the void, the emptiness of obscurity. Pushed far past Its limit, It is now weak, painless, uneventful. And the Other, simply, missing, no usual customers, uninhabited. I remember, how it looked, so pathetically black, so emotionless. It in itself, a being who had been lost for generations, filled with entities, beautiful ones, who despite such blessings, embodied only the despair of tactless wandering. The overwhelming giant was the definition of the loss of the imaginable, it described the blandness of the first impression as it glowered, and exemplified the very essence of the Lost. It seems that through routine ritual I have finally awakened, that my reality must now be what I project, the only control I still retain. I have always known that escape was impossible, but I now dare to try, only through infinite struggle may I ever understand.

Conclusion: It pains me dearly to admit that I have altered, solely through the experience of missing abstractions, through intangible aspects, but the poison has taken its course. Removing the toxin will take time and pain, and though the results will yield positively, it would have snatched sacrifices. The last chance fades and reappears with no warning, I have no choice, it only takes a glance above to realize that.

Only Time Will Tell

In all honesty, I am terrified. In a past time, I recall transforming into everything that I had refused to become, yet in a twist of fate, that reality became a blessing. I have experienced emotions that have escaped me, my entire life. My eyes have been peeled open, and never has the truth been more beautiful. Yet, as interesting as everything has been played out, the ever familiar inevitability lurks around the corner, as it always has. That which I had feared most, is rapidly approaching, powerless to stop it, I can only watch, and speculate as to how another precious belonging of mine will be rudely swept away by the current of my life. In every blink, my mind races, and it happens, the visions. The pictures that are drawn from memory, but have no trace of my own being, but instead, another. The same movement, the same look, the same.. emotion, it is unbearable. Therein lies the fear, I refuse to be stagnant, to be locked in time, trapped in a pain that will not cease nor wane. It is a road traveled by many, but I cannot tread down the path, not now, not again. But, this is not a choice, and luck has never been an ally, which may explain my soon to be reality, for my refusal to be anything seems to have no effect on the outplay of events, especially my own. I won't be one of them, I can't.

Conclusion: For years I have pondered upon the mysteries of "Happiness", a truly elusive substance. I have studied its comings and goings, concluding that it is an idea that I may never grasp, for how can true Happiness disappear? But, recently, I was told by another an explanation, one that seemed so obvious to the speaker, but one that had slipped my thoughts for years. That Happiness, True Happiness, is an emotion felt only in instances that are appropriate, instances where only joy is felt, while everything else crumbles away, it occurs only for seconds, that Happiness itself, is fleeting by nature. I understand this concept now, and must believe it to be true for the Happiness that I have felt these past months have been true, but its fleeting moment is arriving, and I can only pray my conscious will be ready for its departure.

Abandonment of the Game of Fools

It is illogical, it is improbable, it is impossible, all afterthoughts following diseased filled thoughts. Yet, is it not through the illogical improbability of an impossibility that I am here now? Perhaps foolishness is directing me, but then again, perhaps not. The sudden outbursts of emotion leave me drained, and I am utterly disgusted. I refuse to blend in with the blandness, I am too accustomed to the difference. Though I have no proof, only weary facts and an odd feeling, I can't help but feel, right. There should be nothing left, nothing at all, only the right state of mind. I am tired of the pangs, the wonder, just show me what I need to see, let me see to understand. For as of now, all I see is a shroud of uncertainty, you are laced with it, you cannot hide it.

Conclusion: I refuse to have it happen to me, I have worked too hard. Nothing will be missed under my keen gaze, nothing will go unchecked. The walls that were once structured, and strong have been taken down piece by piece, revealing my true nature. Yet at the slightest indication, it can be rebuilt, brick by brick, I will not be tormented. If by now, the battle is not yet won, then I fear the worst, that I might have to begin now.

The Mind of You

Its time, realization must occur now. Advice and quotes are but meaningless whispers in an increasingly loud setting. I have without a doubt, full confidence in you, in the fact you understand what you want, regardless of what it is. Search yourself, you will find that confusion is shallow, and that it is unable to penetrate deep into your mind. Your wants, your needs, are clear, but will mean nothing until you find the will to acknowledge them. Bravery will be tested, trust in yourself to make the decision, trust in yourself to take that chance at happiness, and I promise you, you will have no regret. Disregard advice aimed simply to align, and quotes that are so exquisitely fitted to everything in this world, rendering them useless, listen only to your mind. You know what you want, stop thinking about anything else, stop thinking about anyone else, this is yours, only yours, yours to take or yours to ponder.

Conclusion: I do not possess the ability to gaze deep into your mind and truly aid you. However from a bystanders point of view, I can only say, trust yourself. There are too many factors to consider about everything, and to sit there and rethink all of them, will quite honestly leave you like me, a teenager with too many white hairs. Factors such as time, consequences, guilt, me and him, are so insignificant to the emotions that you genuinely feel. This is all easier said than done, I understand, but let your mind regress, let it breathe, I know you will find what your mind already knows. I trust you to do this, a task that is impossible unless you trust yourself.

A Transition in Temptation

Temptation seems to wake up with me every morning and fall asleep with me every night. Not only am I at a loss for words but my train of thought seems to have died. Playing the waiting game is no fun at all. Every day is a practiced art, however only so because of one constant, a variable that won’t wither with time, it will never leave me, and I miss it. Curiosity burns more than ignorance is bliss, nostalgic afterthoughts invade my mind, disbelief or denial, regardless, the purpose is clear. Winter really is the coldest season of the year. It never fails to amaze, I want it. The more I ponder, the more the ground falls away from under my feet. Words fall on a deaf cause, and actions are an impossibility. Inevitably the bitter truth shapes before my eyes, happiness is key. A burden lighter with two. The face of temptation spites me, a face more exquisite than any, taunting. My will waivers. I am overwhelmed, flooded by possibilities. Understatements. I want it, I need it. Therein lies the question, what is it about this? About her?

Conclusion: I believe I have discovered something remarkable, for this first time in my life I am unable to analyze and successfully discover even the most minute detail of what I am seeking. Perhaps I am gazing in the wrong direction, regardless however, there is no conclusion, as difficult as it is for me to accept this, I full heartedly believe this to be true.

Mindless Banter

My processing center seems to have finally failed me at last. Through careful toiling and the usual wear and tear, I believe it to finally be stagnant, unfortunate. Inevitable circumstance seems to have finally developed a sense of bravery and has left my intelligence severely wounded. What is it about stout decisions that brings out the two faced nature of our inner selves? Articulate, and all shall be well, at least the imagined will finally be imaginable by all, but no, there is far more. Nostalgia, regret, pain, consequences that were once seen as "foreseen" have now harshly intruded upon my reality. Uncertainty creeps, for not only what is believed to be true, but for more than meets even the keenest eye, so unreal that it leaves even it's creator in disbelief. This is the truth, at least in my mind, I can only use what is mine to think, I have enough, don't lead me astray.

Conclusion: The human mind is one of alternate dimensions, it maintains even after being traumatized, the unique ability to create enough hope to doubt and enough doubt to hope, its purpose, unknown. Despite the fact that the mind is a possession it is not uncommon for it to literally take a mind of its own and confuse it's wielder entirely.

Those Eyes

I cannot help but wonder, is it by conscious realization or innate sense that activates our most primal behavior? Natural stability is hardly the answer, yet I am able to understand the logic, most people can. However, this means nothing, despite such clear logic the much needed answer still remains hidden. Glances, sweeps, momentary contacts are the only clues I possess, small pieces to a puzzle or perhaps to nothing. Hence, details is all it is, details, details, details, small details that invoke the most provocative responses from the heart. Details that are perhaps, not details at all, just oblivious particles, simplistic actions.

Conclusion: Details are equivalent to actions unless acted upon or provoked purposefully, a decoration that is deceptive to all but the creator, thereby trapping all those who attempt to expose the TRUTH in a labyrinth of confusion.